Restless Night in Paradise

Nikki is heavy on my heart and head tonight. Maybe it is a result of watching a cheesy chic flick or being lonely or whatever. I have also have been reading this book called chasing daylight about not just sitting around and doing nothing but making the choice to do things. I miss her terribly. I have been obsessed with people in the past but for stupid reasons and I never did anything stupid at least I think I didn't. This time around when she said those words i dread I knew i had to let go and right now. So i did. I still would think about her but I didn't and don't want to make her uncomfortable, but I still want to be around her and I don't know what to do. She says she doesn't want to lead me on and isn't ready for a relationship, yet we have done relationship things, dating, talking countless hours and txts, and she went out of her way to come to be with me at a basketball game. I want to honor what she is saying and feeling, but what about what i am feeling? I thought I was getting a message from you about this but, what if.... like I said another restless night in paradise. Help Me, I Don't know what to do as usual.

Insight

I often find an insight to something when I least expect it. I guess when something I know in my head finally reaches my heart, you would think it would be wonderful, well it is but sometimes I also get the how could I be so stupid feeling. I was on Facebook a little while ago and my "What God wants you to know" post and it was a great message, and I just filed it away in the thought bank as usual, then I just going about my business and Wham it hits me over the head what it was saying. I have been trying to faithfully give my tithe for a while now, a couple of weeks ago I am sitting in service holding on to my tithe envelope and it strikes me that it is about honoring you not giving to you. You don't need what I have, you gave it to me, you just want me to honor you by willingly giving part of it back. That was one of those how stupid can I be moments. I guess that's an insight I have gained from writing this that as much as I think I know, I still have alot to and grow.

Want to be NEEDED or Need to be WANTED

I had this revelation the other day, that my new friend Nikki doesn't need me to be around , she wants me to be around. That is incredible and scary at the same time. It is an awesome feeling that someone you are really starting to care for is hanging out with me because they want to, not because they need something from me. Scary because I have never felt that before and I don't really know what I am supposed to do. With my last relationship Amy needed me to be her father figure for a lot reason, and I played that role for a while until I couldn't stand it any more and she did what she did to get that need met in her life. And with Deb before that she was into me, not because of Scott but because I was a "Christian man", which I am, but when little pieces of Scott started to poke through that image, things didn't work out so well. For the first time ever I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, but at the same time I am still getting comfortable with being with who I am, it freaks me out to trust someone else to hang around with me based on me. It has also given me a little more incite to why the relationship with God is even better when you want to be with HIM instead of just needing something from HIM. I mean we all have our laundry list of prayers we ask for, even people who don't have an inkling as to who and what God is do that, when they get desperate or want to win a game or do good at something. IT has to mean so much more when those things come from someone who loves and cares about you. I am excited beyond be belief to be experiencing that but like I said I just don't know how to handle that and I am afraid that I am going to do something stupid to screw it up. So how do I deal with being WANTED for me and not NEEDED for something that I can give?

Change

Change a word that strikes fear in most people I know including me (Especially me). Yet at this moment in my life EVERYTHING is changing. I have a new job, this is good for lots of reasons but why did I have to do something stupid to get me to make that change. My role in youth ministry is changing and don't even know where that's going at all. I have started a personal relationship with a new female friend, I am definitely excited about this but I am in uncharted territory in that department, but that's a blog for another day. Even my relationship with God is changing. I feel him really powerfully burning in me and then later I will do something stupid which seems to bring the world crashing down around my ears. I am so confused and I also have no where safe to run and hide because like I said everything in my life is changing. I feel very exposed right now and feel like there isn't any human in my life that I can lean on right now. I know God is in control but I am really struggling with uneasiness I am experiencing. Be careful what you pray for I guess, you might actually get it. I prayed for the longest time about a new job, relationship, more money etc. but I wasn't expecting to get all of these changes at once.

Fresh Start

I have been looking for a way to express what is running around in my heart and head for a while so I will try using this. If it gets read by anyone or not at least it is out in the open and not clogging up the thought channels. So if you read this please bear with me as I try to listen to what God is saying by letting it out of me. So like the fresh start of the New Year, I hope to begin again and for me at least I hope the new year is a damn sight better than the old one.

Scott